How Long Has This Been Goin' On?

Immediately after my diagnosis, I began to question how long my ovaries had been malfunctioning for. Since I gave birth, and got my IUD in 3.5 years ago? It seemed very possible, since I never had a period while my IUD was in. But, as I pondered by gynecological past I realized that this could have all started as early as my teen years!

At the age of 14, I went on birth control for ovarian cysts, I had been on them up until I got pregnant at age 21. Realizing now, that all those years, I never had a period only withdrawal bleeds from the birth control, I have ABSOLUTELY NO frame of reference for a "normal" period. I have probably only ovulated a handful of times in my life!

It is mind boggling to think about. I know that all the research shows that birth control has no effect on future fertility...but I can’t help but wonder. Even if being on contraceptives for so long had no effect on my body, they did mask a problem for goodness knows how long! Funny thing is, my journey has brought me right back to where I began...As of last Saturday, I am back on birth control. Yep, that's right, birth control! My DR put me on birth control, as part of my HRT. He also, gave me a referral for a RE, who as he put it "could work out a long term hormone regimen". My Dr explained that estradiol patches don't come in strengths high as what the oral tablets do, and for now birth control would be a good option until I could see a specialist.

Am I upset I am on BC? Actually no. Not for now at least. I feel like it is going to give me a chance to process everything, and focus on me. I am however extremely curious about seeing an RE, and picking their brain! I have SO, SO many questions!

The Great Fall

I have been feeling pretty numb lately. Numb, sad, angry..definitely not cheery. But, I have been going through the motions of my day fairly well. Mostly, because I have been suppressing my emotions, but none the less, I have been functioning. That is until... The Great Fall!!!!

I have been eating my feelings (Oreos are my "feeling" of choice) way too much! So, I wanted to go out for a fun stroll around the park with my lil' one. F* it with all this pity me stuff, I thought.  We are going to go run, laugh, get our heart rates up, and feel good! And we did, and it did feel good...for about half of the way through the trail. Then as we were laughing and running down a hill disaster struck! Out of nowhere my strollers front wheel got stuck! The cart, me, and my sweet lil' girl went flying! She was buckled in, but the stroller flipped on top of her.

I picked myself up off the cement, and went over to my precious girl, who was screaming. My heart was racing as I tipped the cart over to see if she was OK. Her mouth was dripping with blood. I got her up, comforted her, and used a blanket we had to stop the bleeding. Then, I packed her back into the broken stroller, and got her back to the car as quickly and safely as possible.

My husband, who had waited in the car, was alerted by our daughters cry. As he opened the door I handed him our bloody, crying, daughter, and started balling hysterically! Our daughter was OK, she just got a bloody lip. I however, was an emotional wreck. I had a full on panic attack. It was like all the emotion I have been suppressing over this last two weeks came screaming out of me. I knew our daughter would be OK, but it was much more the injuries, seeing our precious daughter get hurt, or even knowing she got hurt while in my care; it was the fact that I had tried to take one minute to relax and have fun, and this is what I got for it. My husband kept asking me what happened and all I could manage to say was, "It's not fair! It's not fair!"

My husband eventually calmed me down, I ate a box of Oreos (which reminds me... I'm all out!), and I went back to being numb... maybe, just maybe, even a little less numb.


It was a lot to handle...to say the least.