Our Miracle Baby!

As I mentioned before, I have a beautiful and vibrant, 3.5 year old daughter. She was a complete surprise. My husband and I were young in college, and not ready to become parents. I was on birth control, so it was a real shock that I was pregnant! However, my husband and I had a strong relationship, and our bond with the growing life inside me was instant, so we welcomed our little surprise with open arms.

Like every mom, I have always thought my little girl was special, but ever since my diagnosis with POF and pending infertility, I have gained a whole new appreciation for the life my husband and I created. Our daughter truly is, “our little miracle”. It is hard for me to even comprehend the magnitude of the gift the universe gave us. The timing, the circumstances, every detail is nothing short of miraculous.

Getting the diagnosis of POF, after already having a child is somewhat confusing. On one hand I feel like I don’t even have a right to complain; on the other hand my greatest fear is someone telling me I don’t have the right to complain. I feel like I stifle my emotions just to seem more appreciative of what I have…And I do have A LOT! Can I be happy, humble, and thankful and still be sad for what I lost?

I cannot imagine what getting a diagnosis of POF, or degree of infertility, is like before having any children. My heart aches for those women and couples. However, I can relate to opening your heart to the possibility of a child and everything that comes with it, and having that dream stolen. It is devastating.

 Having my beautiful daughter will probably have a great impact on my journey with POF, and what path we choose. The emotional, physical, and financial costs of IVF or fertility, will directly affect my ability as a mom. However, one of the main reasons we wanted to have a second child was to give our daughter a sibling, and the unique bond that comes with sharing your childhood with someone. I mean, who will she call and say, “Mom and dad are going crazy again!” to? No one will actually believe how crazy we are, if she does not have anyone to back up her story… ;)

Any way I look at it, I am beyond thankful for my daughter. It is truly amazing how blessed I am to have her. I am only now beginning to understand just how precious life is. If this journey has taught me anything, it has helped gain a greater appreciation for life’s miracles.

How Long Has This Been Goin' On?

Immediately after my diagnosis, I began to question how long my ovaries had been malfunctioning for. Since I gave birth, and got my IUD in 3.5 years ago? It seemed very possible, since I never had a period while my IUD was in. But, as I pondered by gynecological past I realized that this could have all started as early as my teen years!

At the age of 14, I went on birth control for ovarian cysts, I had been on them up until I got pregnant at age 21. Realizing now, that all those years, I never had a period only withdrawal bleeds from the birth control, I have ABSOLUTELY NO frame of reference for a "normal" period. I have probably only ovulated a handful of times in my life!

It is mind boggling to think about. I know that all the research shows that birth control has no effect on future fertility...but I can’t help but wonder. Even if being on contraceptives for so long had no effect on my body, they did mask a problem for goodness knows how long! Funny thing is, my journey has brought me right back to where I began...As of last Saturday, I am back on birth control. Yep, that's right, birth control! My DR put me on birth control, as part of my HRT. He also, gave me a referral for a RE, who as he put it "could work out a long term hormone regimen". My Dr explained that estradiol patches don't come in strengths high as what the oral tablets do, and for now birth control would be a good option until I could see a specialist.

Am I upset I am on BC? Actually no. Not for now at least. I feel like it is going to give me a chance to process everything, and focus on me. I am however extremely curious about seeing an RE, and picking their brain! I have SO, SO many questions!

The Great Fall

I have been feeling pretty numb lately. Numb, sad, angry..definitely not cheery. But, I have been going through the motions of my day fairly well. Mostly, because I have been suppressing my emotions, but none the less, I have been functioning. That is until... The Great Fall!!!!

I have been eating my feelings (Oreos are my "feeling" of choice) way too much! So, I wanted to go out for a fun stroll around the park with my lil' one. F* it with all this pity me stuff, I thought.  We are going to go run, laugh, get our heart rates up, and feel good! And we did, and it did feel good...for about half of the way through the trail. Then as we were laughing and running down a hill disaster struck! Out of nowhere my strollers front wheel got stuck! The cart, me, and my sweet lil' girl went flying! She was buckled in, but the stroller flipped on top of her.

I picked myself up off the cement, and went over to my precious girl, who was screaming. My heart was racing as I tipped the cart over to see if she was OK. Her mouth was dripping with blood. I got her up, comforted her, and used a blanket we had to stop the bleeding. Then, I packed her back into the broken stroller, and got her back to the car as quickly and safely as possible.

My husband, who had waited in the car, was alerted by our daughters cry. As he opened the door I handed him our bloody, crying, daughter, and started balling hysterically! Our daughter was OK, she just got a bloody lip. I however, was an emotional wreck. I had a full on panic attack. It was like all the emotion I have been suppressing over this last two weeks came screaming out of me. I knew our daughter would be OK, but it was much more the injuries, seeing our precious daughter get hurt, or even knowing she got hurt while in my care; it was the fact that I had tried to take one minute to relax and have fun, and this is what I got for it. My husband kept asking me what happened and all I could manage to say was, "It's not fair! It's not fair!"

My husband eventually calmed me down, I ate a box of Oreos (which reminds me... I'm all out!), and I went back to being numb... maybe, just maybe, even a little less numb.


It was a lot to handle...to say the least.

Finding Out...

After having our first baby so young, my husband and I were not sure when we wanted to try for a second. I had a Mirena IUD in since the birth of our daughter, which meant the choice would have to be an active one. We went back and forth a hundred times, and then... my boobs got bigger! They were sore, and tender, and I was nauseous...Could I be pregnant? How exciting, we thought. It was settled, we were ready for our second baby!


I had not cycled in three years, the whole time I had an IUD in (fairly common in women who have a Mirena) . As it turned out, I was not pregnant, I was just ovulating, something I had probably not experienced in three years. Why ovulate now? I don't know, I will never know. But, my ovulation (and excitement about a possible pregnancy) is what spurred me to get my IUD removed.


Two weeks after I ovulated, I menstruated for the first time in three years, it was during this time I removed my IUD. We were so excited to get pregnant again! I stocked up on ovulation predictor kits, and we made use of every spare minute we had. We told everyone we were trying for a second. We were so excited we couldn't help but make a list of baby names. My husband and I would stay up late looking up names, laughing at the funny ones, and writing down the ones we liked. We were ready!


Twenty days after I menstruated, I ovulated, a little long for a follicular phase, but nothing too abnormal. The only weird thing was that I tested positive for ovulation for a full week, maybe even longer, but I ran out of test strips. Ovulation test strips test your luteinizing hormone(LH) levels. So, ovulation predictor testes don't actually know if your ovulating, just if your LH is high. LH is a hormone that rises right before you ovulate... So, if the strip is dark you are most likely ovulating.


My husband and I enjoyed "Trying", but, like clock work, two weeks after I ovulated, I menstruated. The arrival of my period meant we did not get pregnant, which was pretty disappointing. I Had gotten pregnant on birth control with my daughter, so, I was VERY confident in my fertility. As I figured, we probably would only have to try for another month, so I tried not to get to upset.


So, we waited, and practiced for a couple more weeks, until once again the line on my ovulation predictor was dark. Bingo! Its was show time! I was sure we would get pregnant this time!

... But the line never went away, and my period never came. One week, two weeks, three weeks late; something was up. I took at least ten pregnancy test. Negative!


In mid-January, three and a half months after I took my IUD out, I made an appointment to go see a local Nurse Midwife. We had recently moved to a new area, so, I had to find a new provider. The CNM was probably not ready for my in depth questions, and perhaps thought I was being overly concerned, but she really made me feel silly for being worried. She ordered some blood work, and suggested I try a round of Progesterone to, "kick start" my cycle. Feeling unsatisfied, and very curious, I begged her for an ultrasound. She also mentioned the possibility of a mild case of Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS), because of my high LH (something we knew I had because I still tested positive for ovulation). I had googled "high LH", enough times that I considered PCOS a possibility as well, however, I did not exhibit any of the other symptoms.


I had to wait a couple weeks for the results, and it was tough on me emotionally. I could not believe that I was not cycling! I was craving answers. Like, why were the ovulation tests still positive? I just wanted a baby so bad. I had opened my heart to having another bundle of joy. I couldn't really be infertile, could I?


The results came back. Normal. Normal, meant I did not have any bloodsugar or thyroid issues, which was positive. However, normal also meant I did not have any answers, which is extremly frusterating. I spent a lot of time self diagnosing on google. I was sure I had some mild case of PCOS. So, I took a round of progesterone, (10mg for 7days) and...nothing! It was becoming a haunting reality that I may seriously have something going on.


Frustrated with the lack of compassion I was getting at the clinic I was using, I went in for a second opinion. From the moment I was greeted with a warm smile at the front desk, I knew I was in better hands. I had a list of questions three pages long, I was armed and ready for answers! My new doctor, an OB, was really great. His knowledge and compassion made me feel very confident in him. He answered all my questions, and even was able to tell me why the progesterone didn't work, using the ultrasound results two other Doctors had already dismissed. The ultrasound showed my endometrium was only 4mm thick, that is not nearly enough to shed. The Dr. told me he likes to see an endo. about 14mm thick before starting progesterone. He also mentioned that a thin endo. could sometimes be a result of premature ovarian failure, but that was pretty rare, so, he would like to do some more tests. So, he ran more blood work: LH, FSH, and estrogen... all things that should have been tested by my previous provider, but were NOT.


The whole drive home the words "ovarian failure", echoed in my mind. In all the internet diagnosing I had done, I had never heard of Premature Ovairian Failure (POF). I went home a googled "premature ovarian failure", and read the article out loud to my husband, we laughed at the idea that I could be going through menopause at the age of 25. That couldn't be it.


I went in friday afternoon for my bloodwork. Monday morning at 8:00am, I got a phone call from my DR. As he started to speak, I began to tremble. I could feel what he was about to say. The results came back abnormal! An FSH above 40 is considered menopausal, I had an FSH of 99.  Also,  my LH was high, and estrogen was low. He didn't have to say it, I knew what it meant. I had premature ovarian failure.

Images of my growing belly, our growing family, my daughter sharing her life with a sibling; the names, the cuddling, the kisses, the happiness, the breastfeeding, the birth, all the emotions and wishes I had already promised myself, and associated with having a second child seemed to fade. I felt a great loss settle in my soul, and mass confusion dominate my thoughts. The day I found out I may never have children again, is the day I started my quest for answers and self preservation. I may never have another child, but I truely believe this journey will give birth to a deeper meaning of being a mother.

About Me

I am a 25 year old, mother, wife, and doula. I live in beautiful Oregon, and love the outdoors. I consider myself very lucky to have a life filled with love, joy, and happiness. This last September, my husband and I made a decision to add even more happiness to our lives by having a second child. This was the beginning of our journey to finding out I have Premature Ovarian Failure (POF) also know as Primary Ovairian Insuffiancy (POI).


We have been blessed with our 3.5 year old daughter, named Dimi, she is a ball of light, who makes my heart glow. I was 21, in college, on birth control, and no where near ready for a baby when we got pregnant. She was a complete surprise, but my bond with the tiny little life inside me was was instant. So, my belly and heart grew, and we had a baby. Giving birth and becoming a mommy has been the most amazing thing that has ever happend to me, and I am only now beging to understand what a miricle she truely is.


My prenatal, birth, and postpartum experiences made me want to dive in to the world of birth and become a Birth Doula. A doula is a woman who supports women and families through the birthing process. Birth work, women's health, and sexual health are passions of mine, I believe that all are important issues. So, as you can imagine my life has been filled with ovaries, uteruses (uteri?), vulvas, babies, and fertility for the last three years, and being diagnosed with POF was quite shocking.  How can I not be fertile, I wear a ring of the goddess of abundance on my right hand! Her swelling belly has been on my right ring finger for two years now...you'd think she would have helped a sister out.


The rock in my life is my amazing husband. We are wildly in love. He is a part of my soul. He knows me better then I even know myself. Our love has burnt out of control from the start, and we have never taken the time to put out that flame. Call it kismet, call it true love, whatever it is I pinch myself everyday hoping it is real.