Finding Out...

After having our first baby so young, my husband and I were not sure when we wanted to try for a second. I had a Mirena IUD in since the birth of our daughter, which meant the choice would have to be an active one. We went back and forth a hundred times, and then... my boobs got bigger! They were sore, and tender, and I was nauseous...Could I be pregnant? How exciting, we thought. It was settled, we were ready for our second baby!


I had not cycled in three years, the whole time I had an IUD in (fairly common in women who have a Mirena) . As it turned out, I was not pregnant, I was just ovulating, something I had probably not experienced in three years. Why ovulate now? I don't know, I will never know. But, my ovulation (and excitement about a possible pregnancy) is what spurred me to get my IUD removed.


Two weeks after I ovulated, I menstruated for the first time in three years, it was during this time I removed my IUD. We were so excited to get pregnant again! I stocked up on ovulation predictor kits, and we made use of every spare minute we had. We told everyone we were trying for a second. We were so excited we couldn't help but make a list of baby names. My husband and I would stay up late looking up names, laughing at the funny ones, and writing down the ones we liked. We were ready!


Twenty days after I menstruated, I ovulated, a little long for a follicular phase, but nothing too abnormal. The only weird thing was that I tested positive for ovulation for a full week, maybe even longer, but I ran out of test strips. Ovulation test strips test your luteinizing hormone(LH) levels. So, ovulation predictor testes don't actually know if your ovulating, just if your LH is high. LH is a hormone that rises right before you ovulate... So, if the strip is dark you are most likely ovulating.


My husband and I enjoyed "Trying", but, like clock work, two weeks after I ovulated, I menstruated. The arrival of my period meant we did not get pregnant, which was pretty disappointing. I Had gotten pregnant on birth control with my daughter, so, I was VERY confident in my fertility. As I figured, we probably would only have to try for another month, so I tried not to get to upset.


So, we waited, and practiced for a couple more weeks, until once again the line on my ovulation predictor was dark. Bingo! Its was show time! I was sure we would get pregnant this time!

... But the line never went away, and my period never came. One week, two weeks, three weeks late; something was up. I took at least ten pregnancy test. Negative!


In mid-January, three and a half months after I took my IUD out, I made an appointment to go see a local Nurse Midwife. We had recently moved to a new area, so, I had to find a new provider. The CNM was probably not ready for my in depth questions, and perhaps thought I was being overly concerned, but she really made me feel silly for being worried. She ordered some blood work, and suggested I try a round of Progesterone to, "kick start" my cycle. Feeling unsatisfied, and very curious, I begged her for an ultrasound. She also mentioned the possibility of a mild case of Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS), because of my high LH (something we knew I had because I still tested positive for ovulation). I had googled "high LH", enough times that I considered PCOS a possibility as well, however, I did not exhibit any of the other symptoms.


I had to wait a couple weeks for the results, and it was tough on me emotionally. I could not believe that I was not cycling! I was craving answers. Like, why were the ovulation tests still positive? I just wanted a baby so bad. I had opened my heart to having another bundle of joy. I couldn't really be infertile, could I?


The results came back. Normal. Normal, meant I did not have any bloodsugar or thyroid issues, which was positive. However, normal also meant I did not have any answers, which is extremly frusterating. I spent a lot of time self diagnosing on google. I was sure I had some mild case of PCOS. So, I took a round of progesterone, (10mg for 7days) and...nothing! It was becoming a haunting reality that I may seriously have something going on.


Frustrated with the lack of compassion I was getting at the clinic I was using, I went in for a second opinion. From the moment I was greeted with a warm smile at the front desk, I knew I was in better hands. I had a list of questions three pages long, I was armed and ready for answers! My new doctor, an OB, was really great. His knowledge and compassion made me feel very confident in him. He answered all my questions, and even was able to tell me why the progesterone didn't work, using the ultrasound results two other Doctors had already dismissed. The ultrasound showed my endometrium was only 4mm thick, that is not nearly enough to shed. The Dr. told me he likes to see an endo. about 14mm thick before starting progesterone. He also mentioned that a thin endo. could sometimes be a result of premature ovarian failure, but that was pretty rare, so, he would like to do some more tests. So, he ran more blood work: LH, FSH, and estrogen... all things that should have been tested by my previous provider, but were NOT.


The whole drive home the words "ovarian failure", echoed in my mind. In all the internet diagnosing I had done, I had never heard of Premature Ovairian Failure (POF). I went home a googled "premature ovarian failure", and read the article out loud to my husband, we laughed at the idea that I could be going through menopause at the age of 25. That couldn't be it.


I went in friday afternoon for my bloodwork. Monday morning at 8:00am, I got a phone call from my DR. As he started to speak, I began to tremble. I could feel what he was about to say. The results came back abnormal! An FSH above 40 is considered menopausal, I had an FSH of 99.  Also,  my LH was high, and estrogen was low. He didn't have to say it, I knew what it meant. I had premature ovarian failure.

Images of my growing belly, our growing family, my daughter sharing her life with a sibling; the names, the cuddling, the kisses, the happiness, the breastfeeding, the birth, all the emotions and wishes I had already promised myself, and associated with having a second child seemed to fade. I felt a great loss settle in my soul, and mass confusion dominate my thoughts. The day I found out I may never have children again, is the day I started my quest for answers and self preservation. I may never have another child, but I truely believe this journey will give birth to a deeper meaning of being a mother.